I have found your resume on a job board. Whether you posted it there or not doesn’t matter. I don’t really know where I found it. Doesn’t matter either since I didn’t actually read it and don’t care about you anyway.
My job is to send out as many emails as possible (er…. spam) and hope that I get a hit. Someone desperate would be best since my company is not planning to pay squat.
Please reply with the following:
Your name (I didn’t bother to look at that)
Your email address (You have to write it here, because the spam blast I just sent went to my alias, not your actual email address)
Your phone number (No one at my company will ever call you back, but hey, we want to collect that information anyway)
How many years experience in each area {insert matrix here} — if you are lucky, this will match the algorithm we have and you could be selected for a follow-up spam blast.
A thoughtful essay on why you want this job (we won’t read it, but if you don’t send something, we will automatically disqualify you.)
Your personal / social sites (so we can stalk you)
Three personal references (we have to know who your friends are before we will talk to you — and then, we can spam them too!)
Three professional references (that’s so our sister company can start inundating them with spam ads for our services)
The names of your parents, your children, your personal identification number and your address for the past 20 years. We really must get to know you and everyone you know before we will consider making that first phone call.
Purple Squirrel 