Jump, now. I said JUMP.

Hi. I need to reschedule the phone call. Something unexpected came up. Here are some alternate times. I can be available on the weekends, too.

{no response} waiting {no response}

Hi. I didn’t receive any reply (assuming that you sent one). Did you receive my message? I’d like to arrange a new time.

What?!!! YOU want to make a change? We can drag this out for weeks and weeks. What makes you think we should be bothered with responding to you? Your needs don’t matter to us. In fact, you don’t matter to us.

You, peon applicant, mean nothing to us. If you don’t jump when we say jump, our very important personnel cannot be bothered make even the slightest adjustment to accommodate anything you might need. Too bad if you had a serious illness in the family or anything else that might have happened. So what?

We cannot possibly reschedule anything for you.

If any little thing happens, rest assured we will jerk you around with rescheduling for months. Then tell you that we can’t be bothered.

Our schedule cannot be changed. YOU must jump when we say jump. We don’t give a crap about you. Our time is too valuable.

And, btw, while we were jerking you around over the past 2 months, we decided we didn’t really want to consider you anyway. ha ha ha.

Candidates with smart phones will be given preference because certain assignments require it

We would not ever even think of actually providing any “required” tools that would help you do the job we want you to do. In fact, we’d like you to pay us for the privilege of working for us.

Much as we would prefer you pay us for this, em, er…. job, we can’t legally do that. However, since you will be paying a ton of expenses to work for us, we figure we are not actually going to be out that much at the whopping $9 / hr we are giving you (before you pay your taxes, of course).

By the time you get through paying your own taxes, your own SSI, your own travel expenses (gas plus insurance), paying for your meals (skip those, you can’t afford to eat), and paying for letting us take advantage of the MANDATORY tech you MUST HAVE (phone $40/mo Internet $60/mo, computer $500-$1500), … all of which YOU MUST pay for with ZERO reimbursement, you will be damn lucky to get $1 / hr.

Let’s see 10 hours / week = $90 / week – (taxes $10 gas $20 food $10 phone $10 internet $10 computer $30 insurance $30) = minus $30 awww.

You lost $30 paying all these MANDATORY expenses for your “great” new job. On the other under hand, the company probably made at least $1500 off your work.

Who? …. TNG is a leading merchandising company in the USA, servicing over 40,000 retail locations throughout the country.

(We won’t pay you squat, plus, since we are deeming you an “independent contractor” and will never give you more than 25 hours per week, we are not obliged to offer you anything that could remotely be considered a benefit.)

Candidates must have reliable transportation necessary for local travel and proof of insurance.

Candidates must have access to computer with internet, and email and be able to respond to regular communications.

Candidates must have access to camera or phone with the ability to take and upload pictures to company website.

Candidates with smart phones will be given preference because certain assignments require it.

Those hired without a smart phone will not be eligible for assignments that require one.

We are great, you are not

Programmer needed for long term project 
compensation: long term partnership
We are seeking someone that has experience writing original programming. This is a long term partnership we seek that will include several projects. Writing original programs is a MUST.

Please send references of your work along with why you would be a good fit. DO NOT respond if you don’t have time to put forth the effort. The right person will be a part of something great and have the long term stability everyone seeks.

Translation:

We don’t give a rat’s fanny about you. You MUST put forth 200% effort and spend hours crafting some great stories to get us to even consider you, and then, we are very likely to steal your ideas, and hire someone with less experience because we can.

We are going to wring every bit of creativity and dedication out of you for our benefit. You can be indentured to us for a long time. We will promise you ‘next week’ or ‘next month’ but that will always change. And if you complain about it, we will berate you for not being flexible and not being a team player.

We are the great job posters. Bow down before us.

btw – There won’t be any pay. There will be long hours, zero input to whatever we MUST have, an uncaring and uncompromising work environment, and oh, yeah, no pay.

Replaceable widgets only, talented people not wanted

The recruitment industry has one goal: find the replaceable widget the customer wants. Exactly, precisely only this one widget. Anything else is irrelevant.

Versatile talented people who can do more than one thing are not wanted.

Dear Candidate,

I have found your resume on a job board. Whether you posted it there or not doesn’t matter. I don’t really know where I found it. Doesn’t matter either since I didn’t actually read it and don’t care about you anyway.

My job is to send out as many emails as possible (er…. spam) and hope that I get a hit. Someone desperate would be best since my company is not planning to pay squat.

Please reply with the following:

Your name (I didn’t bother to look at that)

Your email address (You have to write it here, because the spam blast I just sent went to my alias, not your actual email address)

Your phone number (No one at my company will ever call you back, but hey, we want to collect that information anyway)

How many years experience in each area {insert matrix here} — if you are lucky, this will match the algorithm we have and you could be selected for a follow-up spam blast.

A thoughtful essay on why you want this job (we won’t read it, but if you don’t send something, we will automatically disqualify you.)

Your personal / social sites (so we can stalk you)

Three personal references (we have to know who your friends are before we will talk to you — and then, we can spam them too!) 

Three professional references (that’s so our sister company can start inundating them with spam ads for our services)

The names of your parents, your children, your personal identification number and your address for the past 20 years. We really must get to know you and everyone you know before we will consider making that first phone call.

You may be a fit…

I don’t care about your “fit” sfit. I am not a piece of machinery that might plug a hole or integrate with some other machine parts. I am a human …  a living, breathing human. I am not a damn spare part.

A pair of shoes may fit.

A suit may fit.

A coat or jacket may fit.

A shirt may fit.

A pair of pants may fit.

A person DOES NOT fit.

Whirrr, whirrr, whirrr. Spin the wheel and watch it turn.

Simple courtesy is dead; long live Anonymous

Hello. We would like to arrange a time to interview you. We are not going to sign our emails because we don’t really care if you know who we are. We are extremely talented and wonderful; you are a peon — you must be a peon or you would not be looking for a job. We are great. You are not. Why should we sign our emails? You can just guess who you are writing to. It doesn’t matter if you know anything. We are perfect. You are not.

How unbelievably rude.

Must, you must, you must must must

For this job, you must, must, must

You have, you must, you must have what?

Must, you must, you must must must.

to the tune of a Sousa march…. or a marching drill.

Must, you must, you must must must.

If you don’t have all the must, must, musts

You are not a fit, fit, fit.

You must,  you must, you must must must

Don’t ask, won’t tell – not the half of it

Recruiter: Hello. I am {name} at {famous name recruiting company) I found your resume online. I have a job you may be interested in. Are you looking?

Candidate: (no, I posted my resume for jollies) Yes, I am looking.

Recruiter: That’s great. This job is very close to your location.

Candidate: What’s the name of the company?

Recruiter: Oh, I can’t disclose that.

Candidate: Well, I am actively looking. I may have already been submitted to that company.You need to tell me who it is.

Recruiter: That’s not possible. I cannot disclose the name of the company.

Candidate: Thanks for calling. Goodbye. (what a twit — doesn’t this fool know that double submittals automatically DISqualify the candidate; clearly does not care about me and has no respect for my time.)

Fill out our form

You must fill out our form. You must spend at least 10 minutes filling out our form. You must upload your resume. You must write a cover letter. Your resume must be customized for Our job — this one, not any other one. Your cover letter must explain in detail why you are the best person for this job – you shouldn’t expect us to think. We don’t care anyway.

We will never look at your cover letter or your resume. But you better have one or we won’t consider you. We won’t consider you anyway, we just want to see how many hoops you are willing to jump through.

Rest assured, we won’t ever search our database to try to find you if we have another opening. We will only ever consider you for this one opening. Not really. We have a matching system that will make sure your resume never sees the light of day.

If you want to be considered for another opening, you have to find it and apply. And we promise, we won’t contact you. The more work you do to try and get a job with us, the more we will ignore you. We just don’t care about you — even though our marketing group says we do, we don’t really.

Go ahead, apply. You don’t have anything better to do.